Best Man Speech

Posted at 6:48 pm on Saturday, October 13, 2007, in Uncategorized, and tagged misc.

I am proud of twenty-nine things in my life so far. Seventeen have to do with this blog. The most recent is the best man speech I delivered* at my brother’s wedding. Several people humored me following the speech, congratulating me and telling me it was either the best speech they had ever heard at a wedding, or as one guest (of the bride) told me, “It wasn’t the best, but it was number two or three, easily.” Thanks for the clarification.

[Part 1: Opening]

When my brother asked me to be his best man, I was very excited. Not about standing at the alter or throwing a bachelor party, but I was excited about this speech. As the wedding approached however, I realized that I had no idea what made up a best man speech. So I googled it. And I discovered that there really two parts of a best man speech. The first part is where you talk about writing a speech. We’ll call that “meta,” and I can now check that off my list. The second part is where you basically rip on the groom. We’ll call that “roast.” So while I was thinking about this speech, I realized that over the years my brother has got me real good on plenty of occasions. And I figure this is my chance to even the score.

[Part 2: Bullshitter]

My brother is not the smartest guy in the world, there is a reason he picked architecture. Now, I’ve got to watch myself, there is a group of architects here tonight, and god bless them. I’ll throw in a number here and there to keep them off-balance… Nineteen-thousand four-hundred sixty-two; pi. Alright, that should buy me some time.

What my brother is good at, however, and especially good at, is bullshitting. My brother is known as a bullshitter’s bullshitter. He is very highly respected in this regard. On Halloween one year, when I was nine, my brother was ten, he was about to turn eleven, we were all dressed up and ready to go to school. We were downstairs, living in our old house, putting our shoes on to catch the bus. The television was on, and it was set to the local news, WKBW or something. They were reporting on a story about kids in Florida that were trick-or-treating the night before, and they had video footage. I was confused, so I asked my brother, I said, “Jim, why were kids trick-or-treating last night in Florida?”

And my brother, without hesitation, replied, “Florida is a day ahead.” I think my brother realized something. It didn’t really matter if he was right, as long as he had an answer in a timely manner, people are going to assume you know what you’re talking about. And he’s probably right about that.

Here’s the thing. Our family went to Florida every year for spring break, and I didn’t recall losing and gaining a day as we traveled back and forth in our van. I don’t know if my brother truly accepted my argument, and to this day, I’m not really sure if Jim thinks Florida is, in fact, a day ahead. But I’ll tell you this, when my brother does take a trip down to Florida, he is always sure to pack an extra day’s worth of clothes.

[Part 3: Kelly]

I first met Kelly when I visited my brother for a weekend at Syracuse. I was a senior in high school, and Kelly was Jim’s neighbor on South Campus. This was the first time I saw my brother act “differently.” And it is no surprise to me that we are here today celebrating their love and marriage. Kelly is a beautiful, intelligent woman, and Jim is more lucky than the wealthiest farmer in all of Bucks County to have her as his wife.

[Part 4: Closing]

Now what defines my brother. He is much more than a bullshitter; he’s my brother. And my brother has found himself a wonderful, beautiful woman, and together they will make a wonderful, beautiful home, and in time, these two will build a wonderful, beautiful family. And with that…

[Part 5: Toast]

I raise my glass to Jim and Kelly. May the sun never set on your love.

* This is the prepared speech. I recited it pretty much verbatim, but there were (of course) some on-the-fly changes and ad-libs, as a result of audience interaction.

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