Dear Matt Simpson

Posted at 8:04 pm on Thursday, May 29, 2008, in Uncategorized, and tagged email.

This is an email I really wish I sent…

Dear Bart, er, Matt Simpson (I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t know you didn’t like it):

I have been meaning to ask if you had ever considered hair implants. You may not have realized this, but you are bald; and you are not just balding, you are completely bald. It may be politically incorrect to poke fun at a person’s ailments — especially ones that they have limited control over — but to the best of my knowledge, balding hasn’t yet met that criteria. I pity bald people, and not because I have a head of thick, luscious hair, but because being bald must suck. At least that is what I am assuming. I am no expert, of course, because I am not bald, like you.

I must admit that living in Connecticut must be nice. There are many nice cities along the coast, and New York City is only a train-ride away. Then again, you live at home. There may be a lot of clamor these days that young people need to live at home because of inflation and the like, but don’t believe it, only losers live at home. If you do the math, and trust me, this is easy math, that makes you a loser.

I rather consider “home-settlers” (the term I use to refer to losers that live at home like you) as not only losers, but as out-and-out failures. Home-settlers most likely struggled through college, earning the easiest degree available, and returned home with little or no prospects for a sustainable future. Home-settlers are more likely to eat in fast-food restaurants and lease three-year-old over-priced cars. Home-settlers don’t vote (which means they do not count), and home-settlers don’t understand how to file their taxes. If this at all sounds familiar, it should; I’m describing you.

Very truly yours,
reyonthehill

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